Yesterday my pastor spoke on Psalms 121. This could not have been more perfectly timed. I have been stuck in a rut mentally over the past week. I have been struggling with loneliness again and haven’t been turning to where I know I need to turn. I’ve felt stuck, guilty. But this is my thorn. This is what I have to live with. I choose to be single. But how can a “good God” allow suffering to happen?
If you read my first post you may know that I grew up in a Christian home. I also grew up in a very conservative church. When I was about 10 years old I started to realize I was attracted to men. This was a terrifying realization to me. I did not want to be gay. I feared rejection from my friends and family. Even though I was not out, walking into church I felt guilty. I felt a weight walking through those doors.
I also felt a disconnect in my friendships. I feared that if people knew what I was dealing with, they would not like me anymore. For this reason I kept a barrier up with my friends and even my family.
Through my teen years I prayed for God to change me. I remember crying myself to sleep asking, “If I have to have some sort of struggle in life, can it please be anything else? I’d rather be anything but this!” Continue reading Beautiful Things from Difficult Times
I have been struggling with feeling unwanted lately. My depression has brought me to a low point again over the past couple weeks. This is not to say that I am hopeless. There are parts of my life in which I can see hope. I know one day I will be used to reach many other people. I see huge exciting things in my future. But the journey is not an easy one. And I am currently stuck in one of the frequent ruts along the way.
A few things have triggered this feeling. In the last few months I have begun to look again at my future and where I want to be by the end of 2017. It feels like I have been zipping around constantly course correcting trying to decide what to do next. This has put strain on friendships which are really important to me. The resulting lack of connection with people has triggered a feeling of being unwanted.
Feeling unwanted used to be a very common feeling for me.
I love my parents. I am very close with them now. But growing up my dad had to work a lot of overnight hours. He did this for us, so I am incredibly thankful. Unfortunately one of the side effects was Continue reading Unwanted