I’ve been thinking a lot this past week about risk. I’m not usually someone who settles down, but I also don’t always persue big scary daunting tacks. I enjoy frequent change as my attention span is very limited. But until recently, most goals I’ve persued have been within my circle of comfort.
I had been ok with this, or possibly even unaware of it. This year though, I’ve had some huge goals that I really want to reach. One of them being to make it on a team for the CrossFit Games in 2018. I’ve been told “it’s not possible”, “you probably can’t”, “that takes way too much work”, and “sorry but it probably won’t happen.”
Yesterday my pastor spoke on Psalms 121. This could not have been more perfectly timed. I have been stuck in a rut mentally over the past week. I have been struggling with loneliness again and haven’t been turning to where I know I need to turn. I’ve felt stuck, guilty. But this is my thorn. This is what I have to live with. I choose to be single. But how can a “good God” allow suffering to happen?
Do you ever get that feeling that you are just wandering? Lacking direction, searching for identity, I found myself lost.
In his book “Who Do You Think You Are?” Mark Driscoll lists the areas we often mistakenly look for identity, “Items, Duties, Others, Longings, and Sufferings.” I put my identity in Continue reading Who Am I?
If you read my first post you may know that I grew up in a Christian home. I also grew up in a very conservative church. When I was about 10 years old I started to realize I was attracted to men. This was a terrifying realization to me. I did not want to be gay. I feared rejection from my friends and family. Even though I was not out, walking into church I felt guilty. I felt a weight walking through those doors.
I also felt a disconnect in my friendships. I feared that if people knew what I was dealing with, they would not like me anymore. For this reason I kept a barrier up with my friends and even my family.
I have been struggling with feeling unwanted lately. My depression has brought me to a low point again over the past couple weeks. This is not to say that I am hopeless. There are parts of my life in which I can see hope. I know one day I will be used to reach many other people. I see huge exciting things in my future. But the journey is not an easy one. And I am currently stuck in one of the frequent ruts along the way.
A few things have triggered this feeling. In the last few months I have begun to look again at my future and where I want to be by the end of 2017. It feels like I have been zipping around constantly course correcting trying to decide what to do next. This has put strain on friendships which are really important to me. The resulting lack of connection with people has triggered a feeling of being unwanted.
Feeling unwanted used to be a very common feeling for me.
I love my parents. I am very close with them now. But growing up my dad had to work a lot of overnight hours. He did this for us, so I am incredibly thankful. Unfortunately one of the side effects was Continue reading Unwanted