I have been struggling with feeling unwanted lately. My depression has brought me to a low point again over the past couple weeks. This is not to say that I am hopeless. There are parts of my life in which I can see hope. I know one day I will be used to reach many other people. I see huge exciting things in my future. But the journey is not an easy one. And I am currently stuck in one of the frequent ruts along the way.
A few things have triggered this feeling. In the last few months I have begun to look again at my future and where I want to be by the end of 2017. It feels like I have been zipping around constantly course correcting trying to decide what to do next. This has put strain on friendships which are really important to me. The resulting lack of connection with people has triggered a feeling of being unwanted.
Feeling unwanted used to be a very common feeling for me.
I love my parents. I am very close with them now. But growing up my dad had to work a lot of overnight hours. He did this for us, so I am incredibly thankful. Unfortunately one of the side effects was that he became very grumpy. As an adult looking back, I see a father sacrificing himself for his family. As a child, I saw a father who was rarely present. And who became angry at me for no apparent reason. He became particularly angry when I was disruptive to his sleep.
I believe it is events such as this which have shaped the way I think. I was familiar with being unwanted. This has now spilled over into my adult life. This is no way to live though! I can not stand this feeling of being unwanted!
So here are my thoughts.
It is all about how we define ourselves. Being unwanted is by definition outside of our control. We cannot force someone to want us. It’s impossible. My problem is that I have developed a habit of letting others define me. I value other people’s opinions far too much. By doing this, I have given them power over me.
When we let others define us, in any way, we will loose.
Some would say then that we need to look within ourselves. It’s from within that we can find ultimate peace and happiness.
Maybe I’m just crazy, but I’m a chaotic mess inside. There ain’t no inner peace in here! When I have tried to rely only on myself, I feel great at first. Until things start to get rough. And as soon as I mess up, there goes that strong invincible self-image I had built for myself.
Personally the only place I have found a consistent peace has been in Christ. Prayer actually helps me find a solid rock on which to lean. But this was not always the case for me! I know a lot of you reading this have probably had very negative experiences with the church! You may be scared. I was too. Growing up I felt disconnected at church. Every time I entered those doors I put up a fake persona for the self-righteous crowd. As soon as I was old enough I stopped going to church. I cut God out of my life.
I did return to church and now I have a strong relationship with God. But that’ll be a story for another day. I just want you to know that I get it. I understand that you may not be ready to hear about God or the church or the Bible.
My point is, don’t let other people define you. They are unreliable and people are constantly changing. Look out side yourself. You are also constantly changing.
God gave you a purpose. You are wanted. No matter what your past has been, He has a purpose for you. And He doesn’t change.